I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
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