do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
a search helicopter?!
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Everclear isn't food dammit
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
