he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
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