But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You have to summon your inner elephant
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
