were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
