I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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