drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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