Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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