someone threw a dead crab at me
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
