Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
