I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
They have beer where we have blood.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
