Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
