Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
