theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
