If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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