Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
