First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Randomize
