i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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