I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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