Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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