It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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