No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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