So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
