its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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