I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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