I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
