Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
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