Where did you get a picture of my penis
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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