im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
