matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
