He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
