i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Randomize
