what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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