just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
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