just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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