I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
