I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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