I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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