You're my little dorito
The maid of honor just puked.
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
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how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
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I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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