Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
