...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
