I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
