That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
