So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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