turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
