she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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