he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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