even my farts smell like vagina
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
