we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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