So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
