If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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