Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You're a waste of cheezeits
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
