i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
