"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
