According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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