her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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