I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
